Domestic violence in Estonia: how to recognize controlling behavior, protect children, and where to get help

Intimate partner violence does not always begin with a blow. Sometimes the first sign is instead the atmosphere at home: children try not to make noise or cry, a partner thinks through an ordinary request several times before making it, and the whole family watches one person’s mood to avoid triggering another outburst of anger.

In Estonia, the Sotsiaalkindlustusamet defines intimate partner violence as psychological, physical, sexual and economic violence between people who are or have previously been in an intimate relationship or related to each other.

The World Health Organization also includes psychological violence and controlling behavior, in addition to physical and sexual violence, in its definition of intimate partner violence. Read more: World Health Organization – Violence against women.

Conflict and intimate partner violence are not the same thing

Conflicts occur in every long-term relationship. People get irritated, sometimes say something harsh, and argue about raising children, money, household responsibilities or other issues. So one loud argument does not automatically mean intimate partner violence.

It is more important to look at the overall pattern of the relationship.

In an ordinary conflict, both people retain the right to be dissatisfied, disagree, express their feelings and defend their interests. A conversation may be unpleasant, but one person’s disagreement should not make the other person fear for their safety.

In an abusive or controlling relationship pattern, however, a different order gradually takes shape: one person has more freedom to shout, make demands, threaten or punish, while the others have to adapt their behavior more and more to avoid another outburst of anger.

When the whole family starts regulating one person's mood

A controlling relationship does not always become visible through one major event. Often, it is how the whole family’s everyday life changes over time that reveals the problem.

Children try not to make noise when an adult comes home. A partner puts off talking about money, household problems or their own exhaustion because “now isn’t the right time.” An ordinary request is worded as carefully as possible. Some family members start hiding purchases, meetings or small mistakes, not because they are doing anything wrong, but because they are afraid of the reaction.

Gradually, the family may stop dealing with solving problems and focus mainly on preventing the next outburst of anger.

The European Institute for Gender Equality uses the term coercive control ehk sundkontroll, to describe a repeated pattern of behavior through which another person is intimidated, humiliated, isolated or restricted in their independence. What matters is the repeated pattern, not whether physical violence is used in every incident. Source: European Institute for Gender Equality.

Why might someone be calm with other people but aggressive at home?

One of the circumstances that is most confusing for loved ones is the stark difference in a person's behavior at home and outside the home.

They may be polite to colleagues, patient with clients, helpful to friends, and generally come across as a calm and pleasant person. At home, however, they may become demanding, fault-finding, irritable, or aggressive.

This difference alone does not allow conclusions to be drawn about a person's motives, nor does it prove that every outburst of anger is premeditated. At the same time, it makes the explanation “they just can't control themselves at all” too easy.

If a person is able to regulate their behavior in situations where aggression would have professional or social consequences, but allows themselves to behave much worse toward their loved ones, then in addition to difficulties with emotional self-regulation, it is also necessary to consider the issue of power and control in the relationship.

WHO lists, among other things, violence experienced or witnessed in childhood, harmful alcohol use, attitudes that justify violence, a sense of entitlement, and highly controlling behavior in intimate relationships as risk factors for intimate partner violence. These are risk factors, not a diagnosis of any particular person. Source: World Health Organization.

Constant nitpicking, tension, and the explosion that follows

In some families, a prolonged period of tension precedes an aggressive episode. The person becomes increasingly critical, starts picking at trivial things, and demands perfect order, silence, or a certain mood from other family members.

The partner and children gradually begin to adapt. But it is impossible to completely prevent a child from crying, making mistakes, getting tired, disagreeing, or having a bad day. Sooner or later, a new reason for dissatisfaction arises, followed by an explosion.

Afterward, the person may explain what happened by pointing to other people's behavior:

It is important here to distinguish between the cause of irritation and responsibility for the actions that follow. Another person's behavior may indeed cause anger. But the decision to threaten, damage property, physically restrain someone, or physically attack them remains the responsibility of the person who does it.

Sometimes such relationships are described through the familiar “cycle of violence”: tension builds, a violent episode follows, and then reconciliation and a calmer period. This pattern may occur, but it is not a universal diagnostic rule. What matters more is assessing how often the behavior recurs, whether fear is present, the extent of control, and how much other family members have to change their lives to prevent the next episode.

“You drove me to it yourself”: how shifting responsibility makes the problem worse

After an aggressive episode, a person may acknowledge what happened, while at the same time placing the blame on others: they shouted because the children were noisy; broke an object because their partner kept arguing; shoved someone because they were “provoked.”

Over time, this kind of reasoning can change the mindset of the whole family. Instead of asking “why did they behave like that?”, a new question arises:

This is precisely where responsibility gradually shifts from the adult's own behavior to their loved ones' ability to manage their emotional state.

The Social Insurance Board offers specific support to people who recognize violence, an excessive need for control, or other harmful behavior toward loved ones in their own conduct. You can read about the service on the page “Supporting the decision to give up violence”.

Why is breaking things a serious warning sign?

The statement “I didn't hit anyone” does not make property damage neutral behavior.

Punching a wall, breaking a door, smashing a phone, overturning furniture, or throwing an object near another person can be a form of intimidation. Even without direct physical contact, the family receives a very clear message about what the next reaction might look like.

WHO considers destruction of objects and other frightening behavior in the context of psychological intimate partner violence. Read more: WHO – Intimate partner violence.

Statistics Estonia's relationship survey also treated shouting and breaking things as behavior that frightens or threatens a partner. According to the published data, 19% of women who took part in the survey had experienced such behavior. Source: Statistics Estonia.

Economic violence: when money becomes a means of power and control

Financial agreements exist in almost every family. A shared budget, reasonably limiting expenses during a difficult period, or dividing financial responsibilities is not violence in itself.

The problem arises when money is used to restrict another adult's independence.

For example, if one partner:

• takes away the other person’s access to the family’s money;
• checks every purchase and constantly demands explanations;
• uses money as punishment for a disagreement;
• prevents the other person from working, studying, or becoming financially independent;
• creates financial obligations or debts in the other person’s name;
• threatens to deprive their partner or children of the money they need.

The Social Insurance Board also considers situations in which a person is made financially dependent, their bank account is controlled, or they are prevented from working or studying to be forms of economic violence. Read more: Sotsiaalkindlustusamet.

The European Institute for Gender Equality also defines economic violence as behaviour that causes a person economic harm and limits their independence. Read more: EIGE.

Why might a person apologise, yet the violence continue?

A person who behaves violently may not be aggressive all the time. After an episode, they may feel shame, regret, and fear of losing their family, and promise quite sincerely that nothing like that will happen again.

Therefore, the sincerity of an apology does not in itself show whether the behaviour has actually changed.

What matters more is what happens over the following weeks and months.

In Estonia, a person who wants to change their violent or excessively controlling behaviour can contact counsellors who support people in giving up violence by calling 660 6077 on weekdays at 10.00–16.00. Counselling is available in Estonian, Russian, and English. Read more: Sotsiaalkindlustusamet.

Where this behaviour comes from: childhood may explain it, but does not justify it

It is natural to wonder about the origins of aggressive behavior. Especially when it is known that the person grew up with a domineering, humiliating, controlling, or aggressive parent.

Children learn about close relationships to a large extent by observing the behavior of the adults around them. If things at home were consistently achieved through pressure, intimidation, and submission, this kind of relationship model may later seem familiar and normal.

If the other parent was emotionally or practically less involved, the child may have had even fewer opportunities to see a different way of resolving conflicts.

At the same time, we should not draw too direct a conclusion. A domineering mother, an aggressive father, or a difficult childhood does not automatically “create” a future abuser.

Some people repeat a pattern familiar from childhood as adults, while others consciously decide to choose a completely different path in their relationships.

WHO points out that experiencing abuse in childhood and witnessing violence between family members can increase the risk of later health, relationship, and violence-related problems. This is an increased risk, however, not a predetermined fate. Source: WHO – Child maltreatment.

Alcohol, stress, fatigue, and problems at work – cause or contributing factor?

Alcohol, chronic stress, jealousy, financial problems, and lack of sleep can indeed increase irritability and reduce a person's ability to regulate their behavior.

But these do not fully explain a violent relationship pattern.

WHO names harmful alcohol use as one risk factor for intimate partner violence, but considers it alongside other factors, including attitudes that justify violence and controlling behavior.

In practice, this means that stopping alcohol use or reducing stress may remove one risk factor, but may not in itself change a person's belief that they have the right to control, intimidate, or punish their loved ones.

How does intimate partner violence affect children?

One of the most dangerous misconceptions is the belief that a child has not suffered if they were not physically hit themselves.

A child does not live only amid isolated conflicts between adults. They live within the entire emotional atmosphere of the home.

They hear shouting from another room, see broken things, notice the other parent's fear, and understand which topics are unsafe to bring up. Some children learn to gauge an adult's mood just by their footsteps, a slamming door, or the tone of their voice.

UNICEF emphasizes that a child's exposure to violence between adults can cause them serious harm even when the violence is not directed at the child themselves. Source: UNICEF – Violence against Children at Home.

In Estonia, if you have a concern about a child, you can contact Lasteabi by phone at 116 111. Both children themselves and parents, relatives, teachers, neighbors, or other adults concerned about the child's well-being can ask for help.

Why might an outwardly “perfect and obedient” child not feel safe?

A child living with constant unpredictability may become exceptionally cautious. They try not to be a nuisance, ask few questions, quickly learn to sense adults' moods, and try to prevent conflict before it even begins.

Kõrvalt võib see tunduda hea kasvatuse, küpsuse või iseseisvusena. Mõnel juhul on aga tegemist kohanemisviisiga ebaturvalises keskkonnas.

Teised lapsed võivad reageerida vastupidiselt: muutuda ärrituvaks, agressiivseks, endassetõmbunuks või hakata kogema raskusi koolis. Kõik lapsed ei reageeri samamoodi.

Võimalikud lühiajalised tagajärjed

Laste reaktsioonid sõltuvad vanusest, vägivalla iseloomust ja kestusest, turvalise täiskasvanu olemasolust ning paljudest muudest asjaoludest. Ühel lapsel võivad muutused ilmneda kiiresti, teisel alles mõne aja möödudes.

Võimalikud pikaajalised tagajärjed

Kui laps elab pikka aega hirmu ja ettearvamatuse keskel, võib see mõjutada tema ettekujutust iseendast, usaldusest, turvalisusest ja lähisuhetest.

Hiljem võivad esineda:

The last point must be understood correctly: a child who grows up amid domestic violence is not destined to become either a victim of violence or a perpetrator of violence in the future. We are talking about increased risks, not a predetermined future.

A safe environment, the end of violence, the support of a stable and trustworthy adult, and timely professional help can significantly influence a child's further development.

WHO emphasizes that abuse and violence experienced in childhood can have a long-term impact on physical and mental health, education, relationships and social functioning. At the same time, prevention, early identification, protection and support help reduce subsequent harm. Source: World Health Organization.

Why do children often not speak up?

A child's silence does not mean that what is happening does not affect them.

A child may:

• fear the reaction of an aggressive adult;
• fear that the family will be broken up after they speak;
• love both parents and not want to cause problems for anyone;
• think that they themselves are to blame for the conflict;
• consider what happens at home to be normal because they have nothing to compare it with;
• not know how to put what they have seen and experienced into words;
• fear that the situation will get even worse after they ask for help.

Seetõttu võib küsimus „miks sa varem midagi ei öelnud?“ lapse süütunnet hoopis suurendada.

Lasteabisse ei pea pöörduma ainult laps ise. Helistada võib lapsevanem, sugulane, õpetaja, naaber, tuttav või muu täiskasvanu, kes lapse heaolu pärast muretseb. Telefon 116 111 töötab ööpäev läbi. Loe lähemalt: Lasteabi.

Kui levinud on lähisuhtevägivald Eestis?

Probleemi ulatuse hindamisel tuleb eristada politseile ja õiguskaitsesüsteemile teadaolevaid juhtumeid elanikkonna uuringutest.

Allikas: Justiitsandmete statistika – 2026. aasta esimese poolaasta kuritegevuse statistika.

Registreeritud kuritegude arv ei näita siiski kogu probleemi ulatust, sest see kajastab ainult õiguskaitsesüsteemile teatavaks saanud juhtumeid.

The Statistics Estonia relationship survey provides a broader picture. According to the published results, 41% of women had experienced violence in an intimate relationship during their lifetime. 39% of women reported psychological violence, 13% physical violence involving threats, and 9% sexual violence.

According to Statistics Estonia’s separately published data on men, 33% of men: 32% had experienced psychological violence, 8% physical violence and 1% sexual violence in an intimate relationship.

Allikad: Statistikaamet – naiste kogemused ja Statistikaamet – meeste kogemused.

Lähisuhtevägivald ei puuduta ainult naisi

International studies show that women experience a disproportionate amount of severe and sexual intimate partner violence. International organisations therefore treat violence against women as a separate, significant public health and human rights issue.

This does not mean, however, that a man cannot be a victim of intimate partner violence.

The Social Insurance Board emphasises that people of different genders and ages can become victims of intimate partner violence. The victim support crisis helpline 116 006 is intended for anyone in need of help.

When should a situation be taken especially seriously?

It is not possible to assess a particular family’s individual risk level based on a single article. However, some circumstances are serious enough to seek professional help before the next incident.

In immediate danger, call 112. The Emergency Response Centre emphasises that you can call even if you are unsure whether the situation is serious enough to be an emergency—the emergency call handler can help assess the situation. Source: Häirekeskus.

A safety plan matters more than trying to “say the right thing”

If there are already threats or physical aggression in a relationship, trying to resolve the conflict during an outburst of anger may instead increase the danger.

In such a situation, the goal is not to win an argument or force the other person to admit they were wrong. The priority is the safety of you and your children.

Kasulik on ette läbi mõelda:

1. kuhu saab koos lastega minna, kui koju jäämine ei ole turvaline;
2. kus asuvad dokumendid, ravimid, võtmed ja vajalikud asjad;
3. kas inimesel on iseseisev juurdepääs telefonile ja rahale;
4. millisele usaldusväärsele inimesele saab ohust kiiresti teada anda;
5. kas lapsed teavad numbrit 112 ja turvalist kohta, kuhu vajaduse korral minna;
6. kas telefon, e-post ja kontod on turvalised juhul, kui partner kontrollib seadmeid.

Sotsiaalkindlustusamet soovitab samuti läbi mõelda võimaliku turvalise koha, vajalikud asjad ja raha ning võimaluse korral koostada turvaplaan rahulikus ja turvalises keskkonnas. Loe lähemalt: Sotsiaalkindlustusameti juhised.

Kas tõendeid peab koguma?

Ohvriabi või naiste tugikeskuse poole pöördumiseks ei pea inimene kõigepealt vägivalda tõendama.

Kui inimene kaalub politseisse pöördumist või hilisemaid õiguslikke samme, võivad abiks olla sõnumid, e-kirjad, fotod vigastustest või lõhutud esemetest, meditsiinidokumendid ja enda tehtud märkmed juhtumite kohta.

Turvalisus on siiski tõenditest tähtsam.

Kui teine inimene pääseb ligi telefonile, arvutile, pilveteenustele või kontodele, võib tõendite hoidmine seal riski suurendada. Võimaluse korral tasub materjale hoida turvalises kohas või usaldusväärse inimese juures.

Kust lähisuhtevägivalla korral Eestis abi saada?

Ohvriabi kriisitelefon 116 006 töötab tasuta ja ööpäev läbi. Abi saab eesti, vene ja inglise keeles ning soovi korral võib jääda anonüümseks. Kui telefoniga rääkimine ei ole turvaline või sobiv, saab kasutada ka veebivestlust aadressil Palunabi.ee.

Emotional support helpline 116 123 is free and available every day at 10.00–24.00.

Women's support centres across Estonia

Naiste tugikeskused tegutsevad kõigis Eesti maakondades. Teenus on tasuta. Tugikeskused pakuvad esmast psühhosotsiaalset abi ööpäev läbi, aitavad hinnata riske, pakuvad psühholoogilist ja esmast õigusnõustamist ning vajaduse korral turvalist ajutist majutust naisele koos lastega.

Contacting a support centre does not automatically mean filing a report with the police or having to leave the relationship immediately. You can first discuss the situation with a specialist, assess the risks and learn about possible solutions.

It is always worth checking the latest contact details on the Social Insurance Board's women's support centres page or Palunabi.ee.

Do you have to file a report with the police first?

No. You do not have to file a report with the police first or decide for yourself whether what happened meets the criteria for a crime before speaking with a victim support or women's support centre specialist.

You can first describe the situation to a specialist, get help assessing the risks and discuss possible next steps.

This is especially important for someone who is still unsure whether what is happening is “serious enough”. You can call 116 006 before the next violent episode.

Can someone who behaves violently really change?

Yes. Aggressive and controlling behaviour does not have to be unchangeable.

However, change takes more than remorse after another outburst of anger.

The first important step is to stop blaming your partner, children, alcohol, work problems or a difficult childhood.

The next step is to start actually changing your behaviour and, if necessary, to seek professional help.

The Social Insurance Board's service is intended for adults who want to take responsibility for their behaviour and work to prevent violence from happening again. Read more: support for giving up violence.

“But otherwise, they are a good person”

Lähisuhtevägivalda oleks palju lihtsam märgata, kui vägivaldselt käituv inimene oleks kogu aeg agressiivne.

Tegelikkuses võib sama inimene hästi töötada, sõpru aidata, lastega mängida, olla hell ja tähelepanelik ning samal ajal konfliktides ähvardada, alandada, kontrollida või kasutada füüsilist jõudu.

Seetõttu ei aita küsimus „kas ta on hea või halb inimene?“ kuigi hästi suhte turvalisust hinnata.

Kodu ei tohiks muutuda süsteemiks, mille eesmärk on ühe inimese viha juhtida

Kõige tõsisem muutus võib toimuda väga aeglaselt.

Alguses püüab pere lahendada konkreetset konflikti. Seejärel hakatakse konflikte ennetama. Järgmisena püütakse vältida ühe inimese ärritumist. Mingil hetkel võib suur osa pereelust hakata keerlema ühe küsimuse ümber: „Mida teha, et ta täna ei vihastaks?“

Siis on vastutus märkamatult ümber pööratud. Selle asemel, et täiskasvanu vastutaks ise oma reaktsioonide eest, hakkavad partner ja lapsed pidama enda ülesandeks tema emotsionaalse seisundi juhtimist.

Raske lapsepõlv võib aidata mõista mõne käitumismustri kujunemist. Alkohol võib riski suurendada. Stress võib ärrituvust võimendada. Kahjulikud peremustrid võivad tõepoolest kanduda ühest põlvkonnast teise.

Kuid ükski neist teguritest ei muuda ähvardamist, alandamist, majanduslikku kontrolli või füüsilist vägivalda normaalseks viisiks lähedastega suhelda.

Frequently asked questions

Is yelling domestic abuse?

Raising one’s voice is not automatically domestic abuse every time. The context of the situation, whether the behaviour is repeated, the content of the threats, whether fear is present, and whether yelling is used to intimidate and subjugate another person are all important.

Can breaking things be abuse even if the person is not hit?

Yes, damaging property during a conflict can be a form of intimidation and psychological abuse, especially if the other person then becomes afraid of possible physical aggression or changes their behaviour out of fear.

Can I call 116 006 even if I’m not sure whether what is happening is abuse?

Yes. People do not have to make a legal assessment of what happened before asking for help. They can first discuss the situation with a victim support specialist.

What should I do if a child constantly hears their parents arguing, but is not hit themselves?

Violence between adults can affect a child even without direct physical violence against the child. If there are concerns about the child’s emotional or physical well-being, an adult can contact Lasteabi on 116 111.

Does one have to leave an abusive partner immediately?

A person makes their own decisions about their relationship and future life. However, if there are threats or physical violence in the relationship, it is advisable to have a specialist assess the risks and prepare a safety plan in case the situation escalates.

Official and international sources

This article is for informational purposes and is not intended to provide a psychological or psychiatric diagnosis for any particular person. To assess an individual threat and safety risk, contact victim support, the police, child protection services or a healthcare professional.

Contact details and key facts have been verified against official sources 21. September 2026.